November 28, 2005 - 12:30 AM
Okay, okay.
She didn't slam the door in my face. I mean, she did, but not on all the growing and changing that stopped because of it.
I met a relatively cool guy through a friend who pointed out to me that it really wasn't doing me much good blaming The Girl for my shutting all my shit down, since she didn't do it--I did. All I could say was, "I know."
So, I'm trying to deal with that. Trying to figure out how, why I shut it down, and, more importantly, how to get it going again. Eek.
I saw her again the other night. I think the last time I saw her she was flirting with me, and I got pissed off, and we had words, as it were. We've talked on the phone some since then, and sent a few emails, but that was well over a month ago.
I was wavering between not even wanting anything with her, and hoping she'd make a move towards me. However, for getting together the other night, my main thing was just to see how it went.
We might be able to be friends, but what I've realized is that I have utterly no desire to direct any effort or energy towards pursuing even that. It's like why I haven't seen her. Yes, she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to deal with being bi and she doesn't want to have a relationship where it's really a relationship--i.e. where things get worked out, where, I don't know, people talk about things. She wouldn't have a problem with another relationship like the one she has with her boyfriend--where they literally don't talk, even though they live together.
Part of why she's been dodging me (and anyone or anything else that could be called a social life) was that she had a lot that she wanted to "get accomplished" (I swear, she's obsessed with saying that), and she didn't want to take time to do measly things like see friends and whathaveyou (whathaveyou, namely, being me). So, she hasn't gotten anything accomplished, she says. She didn't say what she's been doing, but I'm almost 100% that it's surfing the internet half the night and sleeping straight til she needs to get up for work. And the reason? BECAUSE SHE HAS NO SOCIAL LIFE!
I've been there and done that. Sleep, work, try to unwind. Repeat. Day after day. On weekends, just remove the work part. What I've got is my pothead network. My new roommate, come tomorrow, anyway, has been the best. We hang out most days before work, and after as well. The Girl's boyfriend has helped too. And it keeps me sane, it keeps me energetic for more than just going to work. It does seem as though she's realized this now, and is going to try to fix it. We'll see, though.
The thing that got me the other night was that we do click. We think alike (in some ways), we like the same things--and no one likes the things I like. At one point, I had some weird urge to kneel in front of her on the floor and just look up at her and see what I need to say, see what's the right thing to say to get through to her. But I also knew it would go nowhere, or at least nowhere fun, or at least nowhere fun any time soon. Breaking free of the whole hetero female thing would be a lot by itself--I don't need more crap. I don't know if I don't know her--or know her too well. I don't know if I love her, though really I don't hate her. I like her. I care about her. I'll leave it at that and wait and see.
Oh, I looked up the article I read ages ago that sparked my writing off sex/gender as biological. Here's the link. http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2003/09/28/gender_games/
